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Round 5: Emotional Health as Mathematics

April 21, 2013

I’m on an upswing in the roller coaster that are my moods. I feel good. My apartment is pretty clean, I helped my sister move into her first apartment – beat me by nearly 7 years – and I’m none too upset about having dropped a couch on my hand. All in all, not bad.

From two weeks ago until this week, however, I was in a bad spot. I work my way into those sometimes. Nothing bad ever happens to put me there; beyond the day to day humdrum that is a byproduct of being alive. I get there all the same though. Imagine, if you will, a sine wave. You may not know it by name but if you saw a picture you’d immediately recognize it, I bet. Maybe someday I’ll figure out how to imbed images! In the mean time: Edit: HA! I got it!

Like the seasons turn, turn, turn.

I spent way too long messing with that. Anyway.

So the sine wave goes up and down, all around, and has a great time. Well screw you sine wave, I’m not having a good time. My downswings are getting progressively worse. This last swing was the worst one that I can remember. I deleted some 40 contacts out of my phone. Several of those were old contacts for my old job, but a few were friends I haven’t spoken to in a while. That’s not inherently a bad thing, it’s good house keeping. But I also rolled over the idea of mass texting my friends I do talk to regularly and telling them to lose my number forever. None of them did anything wrong, or upset me, or anything like that, but I was feeling like such a worthless piece of shit that I didn’t want them to have anything to do with me anymore.

Generally speaking, my friends are pretty cool. But I was so wrapped up in what I can only describe as my monthly depression festival that I was going to toss them all away, like so many pennies onto train tracks (they make a neat shape when they get plowed over).

I said my downswings are getting worse, and this is true. Another problem, and the one that is starting to concern me (and convincing me that I’m not manic-depressive or bi-polar) is that my upswings are getting lower as well. I don’t laugh as much despite my efforts to seek out funny things. I’m still incredibly reclusive – by my standards – and the thought of hanging out with people gives me the shivers more often than not. Being tucked away from the world at large makes job hunting difficult and I’m in dire need of acquiring one of those pronto. I’m thinking about QT since GoDaddy seems to be a nonstarter. Open 24 hours, decent pay, good benefits, and it forces me to interact with people. While horrifying in so many ways, it’s probably something I need to do.

I have to take a moment to point out that I did have a lovely spot of tea with my British friend, whose blog nickname will mirror my cellphone: Wheatly. Yes, like the Portal 2 A.I. core.

To summarize: The trig function that is my emotional health is gradually becoming worse and I fear if I don’t do something drastic to change that I might not get the chance later. That’s the trouble with fixing problems that make you not care about stuff; you kinda don’t care enough to fix them a lot of the time.

~ Rao


From → Regular Rounds

  1. TwoTone permalink

    I hear ya man.

  2. Buzz permalink

    Consider talking to someone about anti-depressants or mood stabilizers. It might give you that extra boost to keep life bearable and functional.

    Stay strong!

    • I’m only an arm chair psychologist, but I think my cyclical depression might be linked to long term untreated ADHD. Sounds silly, but depression is listed as a possible side effect – for lack of a better term – of leaving ADHD untreated for too long. Some people start self medicating with alcohol and other substances, which hitherto I have avoided.

      But yes! I absolutely should quit wasting time and talk to a professional. Thank you for the concern and positive encouragement. Every bit helps.

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